If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
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Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography