If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
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“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol