If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
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[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.