I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
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Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
All excellent questions
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?