If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
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If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
Covid like
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it