@Cheeseboy22: If you're wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it's because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
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@Darlainky: A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, "Well, we were separated at birth."
@BadaBinge: Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I'm never gonna get chicks being a "homeless romantic".
@djdarrellripley: Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry. Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
@david8hughes: [fakes allergic reaction at dinner] Me: I-I'm- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I'm gonna need you to pay for me