If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
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[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.