If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
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Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU