*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
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I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’