If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
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Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of