If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
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Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics