If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
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The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
Bros before Ohioes
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
Bartenders are just boneless bars
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question