If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
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Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
I enjoy a good short stor
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
peak technology
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s