@sammyrhodes: If you've ever wondered which of your friends loved V for Vendetta, you're in luck today.
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@MacAnnabella: Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
@thegreatnanak: I'm like a squirrel. If I'm crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
@KalvinMacleod: 911 what's the emergency "Please help, I made too much spaghetti" Relax sir, we've all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
@SchlubbyHubby: Lately I'm very optimistic about the future of my marriage... I caught my husband on Tinder, so hopefully he'll meet somebody... soon...