Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
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[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Baking is just science you can eat.
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.