@sammyrhodes: If you've ever wondered which of your friends loved V for Vendetta, you're in luck today.
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@Boleyngirly: I slept like a rock last night meaning I woke up in the flower bed with the house key under my belly.
@murrman5: [wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news] "he looks like you" [me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it's not though
@krishna_van: Quitting the gym because it's easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me