I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
You Might Also Like
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.