If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
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Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.