If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
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Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.