@maughammom: If you've had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent ...or your life is way more interesting than mine
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@lazy_joe_: "Yes, waiter, why does it say "there ain't no rats in it" next to the lasagna?": Cause there ain't no rats in it "But why woul AIN'T NO RATS
@AndyAsAdjective: [watching The Avengers] 7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry? ME: probably because his kid won't stop asking questions during movies
@briancthayer: Hamburglar search history: • sentence for stealing burgers • do inmates get burgers • what is prison "beef" • countries that don't extradite
@Sophie2078: If your messages appear as "seen", but there’s no reply, don't worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.