If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
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My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
🙀🙀🙀😹