@LostFelicia: If you've never gotten stuck in a dress you tried on over your clothes in the middle of a clothing store, then you're not me.
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@michael_raphone: BOSS: I'm sorry mike, but you've been downsized ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
@HuffPostComedy: Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special 'Live At The Comedy Store'
@TwatyTweets: When I have kids I'm gonna tell them drugs are good for them. It's the only way I can be sure they won't try them.