if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
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Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
I’m not wrong
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.