If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
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Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
FINE, I WON’T.
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?