If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
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Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?