Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
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A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.