I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
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me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler