My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
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*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
Employees must applaud the planets.
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*