If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
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When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
Hot Panini is in big trouble
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe