If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
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Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.