If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
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An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
me: my friends:
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.