If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
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Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
my favorite genre of twitter
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.