Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
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The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
My daily affirmation