I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
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[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
Pee pressure > peer pressure
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.