Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
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[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’