Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
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Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
The pasta is now
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.