Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
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Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
What about a To-Don’t List?
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
My inexpensive home security system…
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…