@bigmacher: #IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don't have money to pay them.
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@better_off_dad: HR: Know why we called you down? Me: Hmm...my trench coat? HR: Try again. Me: Because I'm naked under my trench coat?
@MrMichaelRose: I went to Lowe's to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don't exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
@mc_funbags: So you've had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I'm crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.