@bigmacher: #IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don't have money to pay them.
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@jwoodham: ASTRONAUT: Houston, we have a problem. HOUSTON: Oh, we're fine down here, thanks for asking. Let's make this all about you though, as usual.
@ieatanddrink: Dating tip: Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask "Where should I put this horse?" When she tells you, say no
@TwoSapphiresBlu: Daughter: Why don't kids at school get my sarcastic humor? Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
@MensHumor: Halloween is, by far, the safest day to kill a person and leave them in a chair on your porch.