#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
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“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
Stop sending me this shit.
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla