[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
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It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
Flock of bats
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!