IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
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Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”