IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
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no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
There is no “we” in chocolate.
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
Welcome
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
Me as a therapist: omg same
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon