I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
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I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.