@thepunningman: Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I'll be banned for life. But I'm willing to take the whisk.
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@1Bad_Scientist: Me: how was your date? Friend: I ruined her panties. M: Wow that's hot man. F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
@SirEviscerate: People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
@zachreinert03: If a genie granted me 3 wishes I'd ask for unlimited wishes, then I'd probably take a nap
@jake_lach: My dealer texts to ask if I'm straight and I'm not even sure how that's relevant to our arrangement