@thepunningman: Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I'll be banned for life. But I'm willing to take the whisk.
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@_NinJar: *cop frisking me* Cop: "theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?" Uh, no Cop: "OW!" *baby porcupine jumps out* RUN POKEY, RUN
@KyleMcDowell86: *puts stethoscope up to chest* Dr: I dont hear..U don't have a heart Karen "Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?" *Im in the bushes giggling*
@NotthatAdamWest: When did intentionally misspelling words become a thing? Kewl? Gurl? You know what I dig? Literacy.
@UncleDuke1969: "The powder | "The pow| "The power | "The power of Cheese | "The power of Ch| "The power of Christ compels you!" - The AutocorrExorcist