@thepunningman: Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I'll be banned for life. But I'm willing to take the whisk.
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@TheBoydP: Guys, when she complains about something you didn't do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok! You're welcome!
@Sickayduh: The mall crowd parts as I shuffle through after waking up naked on the food court floor. "Too pudgy to be a terminator" says one woman.
@TheCatWhisprer: Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
@TheHyyyype: *aliens come to earth to steal our water* [cut to] *aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn't pay for*