@thepunningman: Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I'll be banned for life. But I'm willing to take the whisk.
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@KimDotcom: "The problem with quotes on the Internet is that they're not always accurate." - Albert Einstein
@XplodingUnicorn: My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, "Don't worry, Dad. I'm OK." Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
@TweetsByTheTony: El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
@DawleyGirl: Dinner conversation: 10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island? Me: 1) You-- 10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?