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do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
still the best tweet of the year by far
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.