I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
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Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
I can’t be the only one 😂
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
Never go to sleep after making me angry
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.