I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
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Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.