My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
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The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
Y’all know who you are.
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
When your parents check you’re ok.
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.