Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
You Might Also Like
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing