Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
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Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
I put the mess in domestic.
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?