@BuckyIsotope: I'll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: "of course you're supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot."
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@dave_cactus: [I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta] But that means... [cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
@dreamthievin: I need a guy who's cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
@avaricious1: How come the only people who can open childproof lids are children? My nephew charges me two vicodin just to open the bottle.
@KeetPotato: priest: "does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?" me: "SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS" priest: [slowly closes bible]