I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
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Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names