I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
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I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.